I felt everything from childish giddiness as I trekked nearly a half mile in a steady downpour Saturday night (sans un umbrella, ella, ella, aye!) to absolute despair upon my awakening Sunday morning to more of the same. Curse this awful Atlanta Spring weather, I'm moving back to L.A. (not really).
Anyhow, enough small talk about the weather, on with the beer.
Saturday began at Twain's Billiard's and Tap for their first annual SpringFest. 14 bands on two stages, indoors and out, BBQ, one-of-a-kind house-brewed beers, shuffleboard, and one of my favorite servers in all of the industry. How could anyone go wrong, right? WRONG.
$10 got you in, at which point, you had to fight your way through slews of children being entirely unchaperoned by any sort of parent or guardian just to stake claim at a shuffleboard table, on which, at anytime, the likelihood of one or more of your pucks being removed from the board mid-game was as great as the odds that one of the little ones would knock over the three-legged table holding your beer.
My first round (a.k.a. my first mistake), a Twain's original house brew, Honest Lender Brown Ale. If you've ever awakened to the thought, "did I lick an ashtray last night or what?" then you already have some sort of an idea as to what Honest Lender Brown Ale tastes like. It smells a bit like a minced meat pie on the verge of turning. The flavors are mostly of burnt tobacco (hence the ashtray effect), early (way too) hops, and stale coffee. It lacks any resemblance to a traditional brown ale. No nutty maltiness, or sweetness of any kind. Absolutely horrible in every way. Undrinkably bad beer. A true SKUNK SPEW. I pitted two sips before I made my favorite waitress replace it with an all-time favorite, Schneider-Brooklyner Hopfen-Weiss; the best decision I had made to that point.
Now, if you're like me, you can't smell barbecue for very long without having to order some, so I grabbed the remainder of my hopfen-weiss and headed over to the b-b-q booth. $8 gets you your choice of pulled pork or chicken (both heinously over cooked, and in portions not fit for a tapas menu), and a choice of 2 out of 3 possible sides: Canned baked beans (heated up 20 minutes ago, now on the verge of cold), Cole slaw, or Chips. $8. Seriously...
The lineup of bands was an interesting array of various, indeterminable musical styles (run with a very good sound guy); none of which do I think made a good fit for the majority age group of the audience (45 and up) except for maybe the saving grace of the entire festival, Mystery Men; an over 40, instrumental, surf band with some pretty world class musicians including Brad Zimmerman from Dayroom on drums.
Okay, round number 2, I got a bit smarter. I asked for a taster of a different Twain's house brew. This time, I decided on Three Lies Cocoa Stout. An EXCEPTIONAL improvement from round/mistake #1. Three Lies Cocoa Stout is a hoppy, coffee, cocoa stout similar to a Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout. It's truly a full pallet of flavors, not for the faint of heart. Ringing in at a whopping 7.2% abv, it yields in comparison to its magnanimous New York counterpart (Brooklyn BCS sits at 10.6% abv), but delivering a fully cocked buzz punch of its own nevertheless. If you're in to thick, hoppy, bittersweet stouts, you've GOTTA try this one!
Closing out my day, as the impromptu clown started making balloon animals for the little ones (P.S. - I have coulrophobia, so that's just not cool) , was a newly acquired favorite of mine, Oskar Blues Gordon. Gordon (besides being on my list of the top 5 greatest albums ever made) is also by far my favorite offering from the Oskar Blues Brewery. A hybrid Imperial Red/Double IPA, it has an incredibly well balanced citrus hoppiness, with a finish of ripe strawberries. It's truly a delicious, full-flavored beer, easy to drink, but delivering a ridiculous 8.7% abv.
Having returned to the bar to close out my tab, I found an entirely new set of bartenders, none of whom had served me anything at all. "Not fair," I said, "where's my friend who has been serving me all day." This was a service scenario I was not entirely prepared to deal with.
Not to worry. I remembered seeing my server taking a smoke break outside just prior, so I decided to tip the new bartenders $1 per drink, and an extra $5 for all the food. This was more than likely less than 20%, but let's face it, all they had done for me at that point was show up for work. I then immediately returned outside in search of my server, to whom I slipped an appropriate tip for her efforts.
My advice to Twain's, next year, do a better job of advertising for this event, catering specifically to the 25-35 year-old crowd who missed the earlier part of the day entirely. Lower either the price of your horrendous b-b-q, or the entry fee. And lastly, just simply take Honest Lender Brown Ale OFF your menu.
My advice to you the reader. Go to Twain's, play "Dodge the child Shuffleboard", drink Three Lies Cocoa Stout, and come back next year to the 2nd Annual SpringFest, with all the kinks worked out.
Until next time,
T.C.
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